Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mother's Jod Description

POSITION:Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma, Mummy

JOB DESCRIPTION:Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers! Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.


I thought I would keep this around in the event that Mike ever lets Makaylee date. He keeps saying she cannot date until she is at least 25. I keep reminding him that I was dating him at 15, and had her at 25. That doesn't seem to bother him :)


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT__________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #________________DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:___________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain:______________________________________________
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D . A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?__Yes __No


In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:_______________________________________
I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:_______________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Monday, March 24, 2008

She is growing up so fast

I already cannot believe it that my little baby girl is going to be two in less than two months, but does she have to continually rub my face in the fact that she is growing up to quickly right before my eyes??

Makaylee's vocabulary is exploding. Seriously, she will repeat anything you ask her to. She has started to use proper nouns, using me, you, and I all correctly. I have been trying to get her to count to 3, and all of a sudden she can count to 10! She knows all the sounds her letters make. If you ask her what an S says she will tell you ssssssssssssss. Yesterday while hunting Easter eggs Mike asked her where the eggs where and she held out her hands and said "I don't know!" Today was the killer though. I was bathing Makaylee and Kaiden and she was playing with the faucet and I told her no twice. When I said it forcefully after not listening the first time she turns to me and said "I sorry." It was to cute, and almost had me in tears. My baby just apologized to me for not listening. She builds with her mega blocks and can do it on her own, without our help now. She will tell me what she wants for each meal, and she is FINALLY eating real fruit as of yesterday. Not just freeze dried fruit. She ate fresh strawberries, raspberries, and is completely in love with fresh blueberries. Makaylee asks Mike how his day was (by saying "day?"), she will pick up the phone and tell me who she wants to call, Dada, Nana, or Grandma. If I say not right now, she will pretend to call them. She will come running and tell me when she needs a new diaper. This morning I actually found her trying to pull a diaper out of the box because she had pooped. She helps me pick up all the laundry and puts it in the basket. She will take things to the trash if I tell her, and helps bring me things when I ask. She is getting really good at putting Kaiden's paci in his mouth, even when he doesn't want it :) Kaiden has been wearing some of Makaylee's old gender neutral sleepers, and it just seems like so long ago, and at the same time, not that long ago that she was a tiny little helpless baby. Now she has an opinion about everything and is not afraid to share it. Go hug your babies, because they will be big before you know it!

Thursday, March 13, 2008


As a cheerleader in high school I think I had to listen to YMCA WAY to many times. I was a cheerleader all four years, and YMCA got played at almost every sporting even that we cheered at. You do that math. So if I never had to listen to YMCA ever again, that would be ok with me. Well, when you have a daughter who is obsessed with Elmo, you collect different elmo dolls. One of the elmo dolls we got somewhere along the way is the one that sings YMCA using E L M O. All of a sudden that doll has made it to the top of our toy basket and Makaylee loves to dance with him. Over and over and over and over again. Did I mention over again? So I thought I would share a video of her dancing with elmo:

I know, it is super cute! Makaylee has also become a little chatter box. She talks non stop all day long. But she is using real word now, not just toddler speach. She has an opinion on everything, and she will let you know it. She knows the sounds that all of her letters make. (ex S says ssssssss). We can go through the whole alphabet. She can count to 3, and almost 5, she just skips four sometimes. So we are working on that. She comes to get me as soon as she hears Kaiden crying, even if we are sitting in the same room. She tells me "Crying, check baby." Makaylee still loves Kaiden and wants to give him kisses all the time. Kaiden is starting to smile back at her and coo at her, so they do make a cute pair.

Kaiden is getting so big so quickly! He is starting to move into his 3-6 month clothes, though 0-3 clothes still fit. He has the opposite problem of Makaylee. She needs pants with a larger waist and short. He needs the skinny waist and long pants. What opposites! I actually think his eyes are going to stay blue. So Makaylee looks just like me with Mike's eyes, and Kaiden looks just like Mike with my eyes. How strange :) Kaiden's sleeping is still hit and miss. His gas is getting much better though. I now breastfeed all day and night. Except he gets one 4oz bottle of lactose free milk at night. This seems to make everyone happy, so it is a good system for us.

I have started doing a one stop shop for baths here to. Kaiden sits in his bouncy seat in the bathroom while I take a shower. Makaylee gets in with me, and I just fill up the tub while I am showering. Then when I am done I put Kaiden in the bath with Makaylee in his bath sling. Makaylee loves taking a shower with me and bath with the baby. Of course, she just loves the water, so she would stay in the tub for hours if I let her. Kaiden likes it because the bathroom gets all steamy and warm while I shower, so he doesn't get cold. Here they are in the tub:


Real men wear pink right? Kaiden is already in the large size swaddlers. I have two pink ones that are in perfect condition from Makaylee. So he gets to sleep in pink. shhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell him when he is a teenager ;)


Just cause it is a cute picture, here is what I will leave you with:


Friday, March 07, 2008

4 Shots :(

My poor little guys got 4 shots today! Poor thing. He did so good though. He cried for less than a minute. He is a chunky little thing at 12lbs 9oz! That means he is gaining two pounds a month. Chunky Monkey. Other than that he looks good and is growing well. He is starting to smile a lot more, though his favorite person to smile at is Makaylee. I hope they continue to love each other this much!

We went down to the park yesterday for my birthday. Mike came home early so we dedcided to go feed the ducks. Makaylee LOVED it. She was so upset when we had to leave. kaiden was unimpressed, but he slept through most of it.

Well, just a quick update on his Dr's appt!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Busy Sunday at our house!

What an exciting day! I got our first picture of Kaiden smiling (shown below) and Makaylee used the potty twice! All in all a good day!

Here is Makaylee on the potty, thee book is needed to keep her there:

Kaiden smiling:
This was actually taken a week or so ago, but I love it and have been meaning to share:

You can see more pictures of Kaiden here:

More pictures of Makaylee, including some from here little gym graduation here: